What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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