you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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