i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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