Your mouth is God's brothel.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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