In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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