gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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