ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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