i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
