You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
