I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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