i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
