I met the friendliest cop last night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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