There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
