1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
