Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
