i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
