Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
