I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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