Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
