OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
