I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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