so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
