You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
