Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
