Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
