I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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