I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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