i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize