Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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