are you still at the devil's house?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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