Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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