Porn is love you can see.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
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