Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
