your parents love me but you hate me
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize