i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
