I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize