you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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