I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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