She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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