I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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