I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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