what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
