You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
