I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
