Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
