Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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