mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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