I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
