god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
