perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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