That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
