I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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