i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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