look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Green mimosas i think yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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