He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
