I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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