Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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