I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
