Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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