Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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