I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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