Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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